Random Link Stuff

• How about that Alicia Keys. Usually the only celebrity types I pay attention to are really attractive and generally delightfully wang hardening, and she's really not in that category, but she really can sing her some songs. She reminds me of Whitney from about 10 years ago, but without the crack and husband with the IQ of a Firestone tire. What brings this random thought? Just listening to this: No One

• Whoever had the under on the over/under on whether or not Britney Spears little sister made it to the age of consent before turning into a dirty trailer-trash whore is out buying shots for all his friends right now. Personally, I would have teased that down to the pre-embryonic stages, but for some reason Vegas doesn't carry odds on dudes sperm. Which is probably a good thing. Proof.

• Picture of hot chicks because word-only posts don't belong on the internets.

• In a totally unrelated note, for some reason the parenting book the Spears family matriarch was writing has been put on indefinite hold. I can't understand why. It would be a runaway hit, I'm sure, besting the stunningly awesome numbers put up by the Bill O'Reilly book on Humility, the Carrot Top joke book and Stalin's anthology on Human Rights.

• Finally, while I normally abhor everything that is the Dallas Cowboys and their troglodyte fans (although troglodyte fans aren't limited to just Dallas, obviously), I must say I'm enjoying Tony Romo and his penis derailing his team. Every time he brings a ridiculously hot chick to his games he seems to suck up and down the field. Which is manly. Because, were I a professional football player dating a gorgeous chick in the stands, my mind would certainly be up there with her instead of down on the turf, with my hands between some dude's legs looking at a line of five 300+ lb. linemen in spandex. Super special two picture post, since this post is related to Jessica.

I own you bitches

I'll pick you up and twirl you around like Agent Smith in the Matrix you little turds. With all that "waaaaah, I want my mommy" crap. So yeah, I'll take you on and the rest of your kindergarden class and come out on top. How do you like them apples, you five year old bastards.

27

Curious to see how many 5 year olds you can take out? Just go to www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com . They'll tell you. It's science, so you know it's accurate.

Forecast: All Wet

Looks like there's going to be some fury as this storm blows through Ohio, enters eastern Pennsylvania and dumps all over both states. The people in the path will be left all wet. I bet they wish they had taken proper precautions before running into this thunderous big blow. It's certainly more than your average heavy dew. Ok, I've run out of stupid puns. In case you missed it, this weatherman has a huge Doppler cock.

Adult Swim BCS

Hey, ESPN, pay attention here. A hairy chested, wife-beater wearing, balding, cartoon character wearing zubas that is aired on the Cartoon Channel is more knowledgeable with regard to College football than are most of your "commentators." Someone please tell Beano Cook that the role of Jabba the Hut has been filled, and it's time to retire.

There is no Santa Claus

It's the end of an era. I feel like Mike McDee when Teddy KGB shows his aces-full. I feel like Stephen Rea in the Crying Game. I feel like Ray Finkle after Superbowl XVII. It's the gut punch of all gut punches. Or ball punch, more accurately.

So today, I'm doing my typical thing, you know, killing some time by checking out some celebrity gossip sites in the hopes that some lovely celebrity has once again loosed her naughty bits in front of the paparazzi, allowing me a glimpse as what she knows she wants to offer me anyway. Unfortunately, the only celeb news I found today was some blather about the human wasteland that was formerly known as Britney, an update on Herpes Valley, or as some refer to, Paris Hilton. And this:

What is that you ask? The rear of a pear? Centerfold of Cellulite Weekly? The Ghost of Erections Past? No, friends, unfortunately, the correct answer is Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yes, that's right, the woman who was able to single-handedly support not only the horrible "I Know What You Did Last Summer" franchise, but also made normal, heterosexual guys actually watch that estrogen filled cesspool that was Party of Five. Really, that's some feat. Normally, one would think a person capable of performing such magical acts would use some of that juju to keep her body in shape at least through her mid 30s. But no, she's 28. Diane Lane is gorgeous and she's 108, but JLH couldn't keep it together for even 10 years. I'm filled with sadness, disappointment, shock and limpety. Just a damn shame, is what it is.

First Neve Campbell gets all old and hippy-like, despite her flash in the pan moment in Wild Things. Now "Love" has gone the way of the hippopotamus. The bearded guy never dated anyone really hot, so we won't even bother to worry about them. Our only hope remains Lacey Chabert. She must now carry the Party of Five hotness torch.

At least I can enjoy the knowledge that gaywad dimpledouche Bailey never had any kind of career. But that's just a weak victory, much like a celebratory touchdown dance when your team is down by 40. Today my penis has shed a tear.

69 Was "Giving Him the Business"?

Really? If I were gettin' the business from a 69 I doubt I would call it a penalty. I would call it "Thursday afternoon."

Binocular Soccular

Silly striped spandex uniforms three-sizes-too-small-to-show-off-how-scrawny-your-giblets-are mandatory, obviously.

Myspace

Does anyone actually find that, um, fun? I spent fifteen minutes on Myspace yesterday and about two seconds into it I felt like stabbing myself in a sensitive area with a blunt pencil for even considering getting on that site.

Be that as it may, I plowed through that nonsense because there are just too many girlies and hot girlie pictures that I would not have access to were I not a member of that marker of mass stupidity.

This is my sexy Myspace picture.

I throw many sexy myspace parties (well, I plan to. I haven't yet, but I just joined so cut me some slack. I'm a very busy dude, you know, working out and flexing in front of the mirror and all), so if you're ready to party sexy-like, hit me up on there. My abs have their own agent, so if you want to party with them, you'll have to call their agency first. Sorry, but those are the rules.

Bingo + Deer Shanking =

Fun Fun Fun!

My Favorite Music Video of the Hour

There's nothing like a dreamy Ahmadinejad laying on a piano. Well, maybe blumpkins, but they're so rare, and I don't have a video of them.

Oh No!

And by "Oh No!" I'm referring to this article regarding Maria Sharapova sucking in bed. And not literally, which would be more "Oh Yes!" than "Oh no!"

It comes as no particular surprise that a very attractive girl sucks in bed. That happens quite frequently. Trust me, I know. My numerous sexual trysts with supermodels have taught me nothing, if not that. The disappointing, and quite frankly disgusting, part of the story is the revelation that the massive douchebag Adam Levine fornicated with the fine piece of woman that is Sharapova. When I remember that he also hooked up with Jessica Simpson my head asplodes.

Can I Scratch My Nuts?

"Damn. They Itch."

So, here's the deal

As it turns out, it's probably best to focus one's blog energies on one specific area of interest and refine your content for some semblance of cohesion to a reader. Not to my surprise, I've run into some troubles focusing on any specific area. I find my mind wandering from sports, to politics, to wasteful celebritard gossip, and as per my original intention spew it all out here basically as unfiltered as it comes into my head. One of the downsides to this, of course, is inevtiably that there is almost no direction to this written junkyard of the internet, and as such, will be almost impossible for anyone to follow, unless you're me.

But you're not. And that's probably for the best.

Perhaps, at some point in time, I'll find the desire and stamina to write to a specific end, but until that time comes, this is as good as it's going to get. Current events, news, sports, sex, celebrity, gossip, and general nonsense that fills my days will fill this screen.

I'm fully aware that a person of any intellect whatsoever will have, as they should, absolutely no desire or reason to read anything as wasteful and inept as this. As such, I do not expect anyone to read it. These words are nothing more than a half-hearted, random, incomplete online journal of my meandering existence. My head is not somewhere the weak minded should attempt to trudge through, as there are times I cannot even escape the banal mainstream desires that bounce through my gord.

Maybe I'll write or link something funny tomorrow. Today seems entriely non-productive.

Dude, you're doing it wrong...

Seriously, stop it dude, you're disturbing the shit out of me.

Lindsay Blohan

See what I did there? It's really Lindsay Lohan, but I replaced Lohan with Blowhan, you know, because she does a lot of cocaine and "blow" is slang for cocaine. Clever, eh?

Lindsay was apparently filmed by a "friend" of hers doing Tony Montana style bumps in a toilet somewhere. I say apparently as, judging by the pictures, it very well could be Lindsay Lohan. It could also very well be Sasquatch. Or the ghost of Molly Hatchet. I really can't see shit on these pictures. However, I comes as no surprise to me that a young moronic Hollywood actress might actually do drugs.

Oh, yeah, her "friend" also says that Lindsay is a whore bedding James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Jared Leto, Benecio Del Torro, Joaquin Phoenix and James Franco, just to name a few. I don't know who all of those guys are, but I'm just going to assume they're dirty man whores.

I'd be willing to bet that the "friend" releasing all these details is really just an ugly, possibly obese, acquaintance who is unable to get any tail other than Lindsay's sloppy leftovers.

Anyway, the pictures of Ms. Lohan, or Sasquatch, you decide, are here for your enjoyment.

Hi, I'm Wes Helms

You may or may not recognize me from your local Phillies team. If you don't recognize me, it's probably because you only read offensive box scores, where I do not appear. My nine RBI's batting after Utley, Howard and Burrell, who all get on base with regularity is testament to how deftly I'm able to sneak my hits in non-important situations. Pat Burrell, Donovan McNabb and Bobby Abreu are my Philadelphia idols. My hobbies include swinging at the first pitch, and quite often lofting a lazy fly to the center fielder, in as many situations as I can, the situation of the game be damned.

Those who do recognize me are most likely watching the games where I manage to make you actually wish Abraham Nunez were playing. I know you're thinking, 'Wes, how is it possible that you make me long for a guy who hits like a gnat and had an average under .200 for a good portion of the year?' Well, I'll tell you. It's that, unlike Abraham, I have a club for a left hand and a salmon flipper for my right. I use these appendages to butcher approximately half the balls that are hit to me. On a club with defensive sieves Pat Burrell and Ryan Howard, both of whom play more than I, I still manage to lead the team in errors and have the worst fielding percentage on the team.

So, while my buddy Nunez doesn't hit a lick but plays some pretty good third base, I offer you my stone hands and the ability to barely hit. Thanks for welcoming me to town, Philly. Thanks for the $5,500,000.00. By the way, our bullpen still needs some solidifying, I hope Gillick has money left to pick up relief help before the deadline.

If you see me around the ballpark, or on the way to cash my check, say hi. I might be wearing something similar to this...

Houston, the Rocket has left

Roger Clemens Announces His Intentions

Speaking from the New York owner's box at today's Mariners-Yankees game Roger Clemens announced his intentions to pitch for the Yankees at some point this season.

The seven time Cy Young award winner will probably get something along the lines of 4 million dollars a month, roughly a million a week, to pitch from early June through the rest of the season, which will inevitably conclude with the yearly meltdown in October unless the Yankees find some way to get rid of Alex Rodriguez and his October curse.

Just thinking about the combined apathy of Rodriguez and fellow lazyballer Bobby Abreu makes me want to slip into a coma. Seriously, is there a team in the majors that can overcome the lack of heart and will to win that these guys bring to the table? Put Roy Hobbs on the Yanks and he commits suicide within a week, probably by gouging out his eyeballs with a rusty spoon.

Enjoy the cash gramps, because that's all you're getting out of this 2/3rd of a season.

And the Results are In

Cinco de Mayo (and Seis) was chock full of excitement and news. A small recap:

• The brown horse won the Kentucky Derby. Then he ate an apple and took a nap. Also, the value of his ejaculate just increased twenty-thousand fold. I think his name was Street Sense, but the only thing that matters is that he paid $11.80 if you bet on him to win.
• Some judges you never heard of disagreed on who won the Mayweather/De La Hoya fight, ultimately coming to the decision that Mayweather probably won. In their opinion. Mayweather also claims to have retired, but that's about as believable as his claim that he's the best fighter ever. Namely, it's not.
  
• Nicholas Sarkozy has been elected president of France, defeating hot-for-a-presidential-candidate socialist Segolene Royal. Sarkozy says he'll try to get the French to work more, and make it easier to hire and fire workers. No word on whether he'll force them to be less stinky.
  
• Gabe Reudiger couldn't make his 155 lb weight on The Ultimate Fighter, in part because the damn chump was eating fucking Ice Cream Cake the day before weigh in. His solution? Multiple colonics, obviously. Not only are you half a fag for getting multiple colonics, you were the weakest link. Goodbye!
• And finally, lots of people all over the country used the day as an excuse to drink, despite not knowing anything about Cinco de Mayo and it's significance, other than the fact that they can get a nickel off of a Corona at the local pub. Really, you should have imbibed doubly, as it fell on a Saturday this year and you know you use any weekend day as an excuse to get bombed anyway.
  

The Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports

For two minutes today millions of people who otherwise think horses only belong in John Wayne movies, 1837 and parades will pretend to care about them. After those 120 seconds of madness, otherwise known as the Kentucky Derby, pass the masses will forget about horseys for another year and go back to their daily routine of napping, masturbating and eating. Well, at least that's my idea of a good day. What won't these masses forget about? The real reason anyone ever watches horse racing, poker on TV, NFL games not involving their home team, dog racing, fantasy updates on television and cockfighting. Gambling, obviously.

I bet you five bucks you saw that one coming.

Tonight's Fight!

I hope everyone is excited for the fight to end all fights. The fight to single handedly bring an apathetic audience to it's feet cheering for more. A fight so intense that the men in attendance will have to remain in their seats after the fight is over as the massive erections they're sporting would make it difficult to walk out of the arena (and make their pants quite unflattering.) A fight so masculine that the women in attendance will need to change their panties afterward and the dirty girls in attendance will have to pay to have the seats reupholstered. Who are these heros of machismo? Mayweather and De La Hoya?

Of course not, everyone knows boxing is corrupt, has priced itself out of the demographic that was once their biggest fan base, and generally has a poor product to offer.

Obviously the fight I'm referring to is the manliness fight between these two:

Peter "The Pillow" Pussysack



versus

Wally "Soprano" Weatherman

Vegas is laying 17/1 odds that the cockroach defeats the pillow in two rounds while Pete and Wally deficate themselves in their respective corners. I've got some of that action.

8,428,571* and Counting

That's the number of people who bought tickets to watch Tubby McGuire somehow try to convince them he's an action hero and that snotty snaggletoothed trollop from Interview with A Vampire pretend to be an attractive female. I don't care how much ice she rubs on her nipples before their next make-out scene, I'm still not buying them or a ticket. Best I can do is maybe add them to my Netflix list. At the bottom. Right behind Faces of Death 82 and Fried Green Tomatoes.

Put your mask back on before you entice more people to take up villainry as a career. McGuire as a Superhero is to thwarting crime as a Twinkie deep fried and drizzled with chocolate is to thwarting obesity.

*Number based upon an average ticket price of $7.00 and taking into account all you ninnies who went to the matinée alone to save face and a buck and a half off your entry fee.

It's a start

Paris Hilton has been sentenced to forty-five days in jail for violating the terms of her probation. While I would have guessed that the item she violated was stealing air from the rest of productive society, turns out it was for something else. Namely, driving her socialitemobile around L.A. on a suspended license. Twice. You'd think she could afford a fucking cab.

Upon appearing in court Paris and her legal team had constructed a foolproof legal defense. What was this awesome legal action sure to free Paris from the injustice of having to follow laws like the rest of the world, you ask? Pleading pure unadulterated ignorance, of course.

She said that when an officer who stopped her in January made her sign a document stating her license was suspended, she thought he was mistaken and did not actually look at the document.

"I'm very sorry and from now on I'm going to pay complete attention to everything. I'm sorry and I did not do it on purpose at all," she told the judge before he announced the sentence.

Hrm. Really? You will? While ignoring the obvious physical and theoretical impossibilities involved with paying "complete attention to everything" I find her credibility a bit suspect. Only substitute "credibility a bit suspect" with "a vapid lying whore." But, I can't be too upset, because she is going to jail and any time a rich waste of flesh goes to jail a little piece of my soul throws a party. Unfortunately for the world her jail stay is approximately eighty-three-trillion two-hundred and six days too short.

Lady, will you shut the hell up!

I'm greatful that i've been so lucky as to have been chosen to receive two free iPod nanos. I really am. Against all odds, I've been chosen to receive them hundreds of times over the last few weeks. As lucky as I'm running, I should play the lotto, or do a stripper without a jimmy cap.

But does that annoying broad have to keep yelling out of my speakers about it? I didn't want your damn iPods then, I sure as hell don't want them now, and I won't in the future, because you're a lying pile of refuse with no intentions of following through on your clever advertising ruse. Asses.

You win the assbag prize as the most annoying advertisement ever.

Congrats.

You are very ugly...

Typical

It's late, I'm tired, and I need to sleep. Before I can rest peacefully I've got to vent. This rant goes out to all the fucktards who say, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got 'em" and then end their statement there, as if that's the complete saying. It should be continued to its proper ending, "...and nobody wants to hear yours!" By stopping short with the ending you classify yourself as a dolt to anyone with more than sixty-two functioning neurons. You sound like Biff Tannen, only dumber because you aren't scripted. Idiot. That being said, I'm going to make like a tree and get out of here.