Lindsay Blohan

See what I did there? It's really Lindsay Lohan, but I replaced Lohan with Blowhan, you know, because she does a lot of cocaine and "blow" is slang for cocaine. Clever, eh?

Lindsay was apparently filmed by a "friend" of hers doing Tony Montana style bumps in a toilet somewhere. I say apparently as, judging by the pictures, it very well could be Lindsay Lohan. It could also very well be Sasquatch. Or the ghost of Molly Hatchet. I really can't see shit on these pictures. However, I comes as no surprise to me that a young moronic Hollywood actress might actually do drugs.

Oh, yeah, her "friend" also says that Lindsay is a whore bedding James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Jared Leto, Benecio Del Torro, Joaquin Phoenix and James Franco, just to name a few. I don't know who all of those guys are, but I'm just going to assume they're dirty man whores.

I'd be willing to bet that the "friend" releasing all these details is really just an ugly, possibly obese, acquaintance who is unable to get any tail other than Lindsay's sloppy leftovers.

Anyway, the pictures of Ms. Lohan, or Sasquatch, you decide, are here for your enjoyment.

Hi, I'm Wes Helms

You may or may not recognize me from your local Phillies team. If you don't recognize me, it's probably because you only read offensive box scores, where I do not appear. My nine RBI's batting after Utley, Howard and Burrell, who all get on base with regularity is testament to how deftly I'm able to sneak my hits in non-important situations. Pat Burrell, Donovan McNabb and Bobby Abreu are my Philadelphia idols. My hobbies include swinging at the first pitch, and quite often lofting a lazy fly to the center fielder, in as many situations as I can, the situation of the game be damned.

Those who do recognize me are most likely watching the games where I manage to make you actually wish Abraham Nunez were playing. I know you're thinking, 'Wes, how is it possible that you make me long for a guy who hits like a gnat and had an average under .200 for a good portion of the year?' Well, I'll tell you. It's that, unlike Abraham, I have a club for a left hand and a salmon flipper for my right. I use these appendages to butcher approximately half the balls that are hit to me. On a club with defensive sieves Pat Burrell and Ryan Howard, both of whom play more than I, I still manage to lead the team in errors and have the worst fielding percentage on the team.

So, while my buddy Nunez doesn't hit a lick but plays some pretty good third base, I offer you my stone hands and the ability to barely hit. Thanks for welcoming me to town, Philly. Thanks for the $5,500,000.00. By the way, our bullpen still needs some solidifying, I hope Gillick has money left to pick up relief help before the deadline.

If you see me around the ballpark, or on the way to cash my check, say hi. I might be wearing something similar to this...

Houston, the Rocket has left

Roger Clemens Announces His Intentions

Speaking from the New York owner's box at today's Mariners-Yankees game Roger Clemens announced his intentions to pitch for the Yankees at some point this season.

The seven time Cy Young award winner will probably get something along the lines of 4 million dollars a month, roughly a million a week, to pitch from early June through the rest of the season, which will inevitably conclude with the yearly meltdown in October unless the Yankees find some way to get rid of Alex Rodriguez and his October curse.

Just thinking about the combined apathy of Rodriguez and fellow lazyballer Bobby Abreu makes me want to slip into a coma. Seriously, is there a team in the majors that can overcome the lack of heart and will to win that these guys bring to the table? Put Roy Hobbs on the Yanks and he commits suicide within a week, probably by gouging out his eyeballs with a rusty spoon.

Enjoy the cash gramps, because that's all you're getting out of this 2/3rd of a season.

And the Results are In

Cinco de Mayo (and Seis) was chock full of excitement and news. A small recap:

• The brown horse won the Kentucky Derby. Then he ate an apple and took a nap. Also, the value of his ejaculate just increased twenty-thousand fold. I think his name was Street Sense, but the only thing that matters is that he paid $11.80 if you bet on him to win.
• Some judges you never heard of disagreed on who won the Mayweather/De La Hoya fight, ultimately coming to the decision that Mayweather probably won. In their opinion. Mayweather also claims to have retired, but that's about as believable as his claim that he's the best fighter ever. Namely, it's not.
  
• Nicholas Sarkozy has been elected president of France, defeating hot-for-a-presidential-candidate socialist Segolene Royal. Sarkozy says he'll try to get the French to work more, and make it easier to hire and fire workers. No word on whether he'll force them to be less stinky.
  
• Gabe Reudiger couldn't make his 155 lb weight on The Ultimate Fighter, in part because the damn chump was eating fucking Ice Cream Cake the day before weigh in. His solution? Multiple colonics, obviously. Not only are you half a fag for getting multiple colonics, you were the weakest link. Goodbye!
• And finally, lots of people all over the country used the day as an excuse to drink, despite not knowing anything about Cinco de Mayo and it's significance, other than the fact that they can get a nickel off of a Corona at the local pub. Really, you should have imbibed doubly, as it fell on a Saturday this year and you know you use any weekend day as an excuse to get bombed anyway.