And the Results are In

Cinco de Mayo (and Seis) was chock full of excitement and news. A small recap:

• The brown horse won the Kentucky Derby. Then he ate an apple and took a nap. Also, the value of his ejaculate just increased twenty-thousand fold. I think his name was Street Sense, but the only thing that matters is that he paid $11.80 if you bet on him to win.
• Some judges you never heard of disagreed on who won the Mayweather/De La Hoya fight, ultimately coming to the decision that Mayweather probably won. In their opinion. Mayweather also claims to have retired, but that's about as believable as his claim that he's the best fighter ever. Namely, it's not.
  
• Nicholas Sarkozy has been elected president of France, defeating hot-for-a-presidential-candidate socialist Segolene Royal. Sarkozy says he'll try to get the French to work more, and make it easier to hire and fire workers. No word on whether he'll force them to be less stinky.
  
• Gabe Reudiger couldn't make his 155 lb weight on The Ultimate Fighter, in part because the damn chump was eating fucking Ice Cream Cake the day before weigh in. His solution? Multiple colonics, obviously. Not only are you half a fag for getting multiple colonics, you were the weakest link. Goodbye!
• And finally, lots of people all over the country used the day as an excuse to drink, despite not knowing anything about Cinco de Mayo and it's significance, other than the fact that they can get a nickel off of a Corona at the local pub. Really, you should have imbibed doubly, as it fell on a Saturday this year and you know you use any weekend day as an excuse to get bombed anyway.