Adult Swim BCS

Hey, ESPN, pay attention here. A hairy chested, wife-beater wearing, balding, cartoon character wearing zubas that is aired on the Cartoon Channel is more knowledgeable with regard to College football than are most of your "commentators." Someone please tell Beano Cook that the role of Jabba the Hut has been filled, and it's time to retire.

Binocular Soccular

Silly striped spandex uniforms three-sizes-too-small-to-show-off-how-scrawny-your-giblets-are mandatory, obviously.

Bingo + Deer Shanking =

Fun Fun Fun!

Oh No!

And by "Oh No!" I'm referring to this article regarding Maria Sharapova sucking in bed. And not literally, which would be more "Oh Yes!" than "Oh no!"

It comes as no particular surprise that a very attractive girl sucks in bed. That happens quite frequently. Trust me, I know. My numerous sexual trysts with supermodels have taught me nothing, if not that. The disappointing, and quite frankly disgusting, part of the story is the revelation that the massive douchebag Adam Levine fornicated with the fine piece of woman that is Sharapova. When I remember that he also hooked up with Jessica Simpson my head asplodes.

Hi, I'm Wes Helms

You may or may not recognize me from your local Phillies team. If you don't recognize me, it's probably because you only read offensive box scores, where I do not appear. My nine RBI's batting after Utley, Howard and Burrell, who all get on base with regularity is testament to how deftly I'm able to sneak my hits in non-important situations. Pat Burrell, Donovan McNabb and Bobby Abreu are my Philadelphia idols. My hobbies include swinging at the first pitch, and quite often lofting a lazy fly to the center fielder, in as many situations as I can, the situation of the game be damned.

Those who do recognize me are most likely watching the games where I manage to make you actually wish Abraham Nunez were playing. I know you're thinking, 'Wes, how is it possible that you make me long for a guy who hits like a gnat and had an average under .200 for a good portion of the year?' Well, I'll tell you. It's that, unlike Abraham, I have a club for a left hand and a salmon flipper for my right. I use these appendages to butcher approximately half the balls that are hit to me. On a club with defensive sieves Pat Burrell and Ryan Howard, both of whom play more than I, I still manage to lead the team in errors and have the worst fielding percentage on the team.

So, while my buddy Nunez doesn't hit a lick but plays some pretty good third base, I offer you my stone hands and the ability to barely hit. Thanks for welcoming me to town, Philly. Thanks for the $5,500,000.00. By the way, our bullpen still needs some solidifying, I hope Gillick has money left to pick up relief help before the deadline.

If you see me around the ballpark, or on the way to cash my check, say hi. I might be wearing something similar to this...

Houston, the Rocket has left

Roger Clemens Announces His Intentions

Speaking from the New York owner's box at today's Mariners-Yankees game Roger Clemens announced his intentions to pitch for the Yankees at some point this season.

The seven time Cy Young award winner will probably get something along the lines of 4 million dollars a month, roughly a million a week, to pitch from early June through the rest of the season, which will inevitably conclude with the yearly meltdown in October unless the Yankees find some way to get rid of Alex Rodriguez and his October curse.

Just thinking about the combined apathy of Rodriguez and fellow lazyballer Bobby Abreu makes me want to slip into a coma. Seriously, is there a team in the majors that can overcome the lack of heart and will to win that these guys bring to the table? Put Roy Hobbs on the Yanks and he commits suicide within a week, probably by gouging out his eyeballs with a rusty spoon.

Enjoy the cash gramps, because that's all you're getting out of this 2/3rd of a season.

And the Results are In

Cinco de Mayo (and Seis) was chock full of excitement and news. A small recap:

• The brown horse won the Kentucky Derby. Then he ate an apple and took a nap. Also, the value of his ejaculate just increased twenty-thousand fold. I think his name was Street Sense, but the only thing that matters is that he paid $11.80 if you bet on him to win.
• Some judges you never heard of disagreed on who won the Mayweather/De La Hoya fight, ultimately coming to the decision that Mayweather probably won. In their opinion. Mayweather also claims to have retired, but that's about as believable as his claim that he's the best fighter ever. Namely, it's not.
  
• Nicholas Sarkozy has been elected president of France, defeating hot-for-a-presidential-candidate socialist Segolene Royal. Sarkozy says he'll try to get the French to work more, and make it easier to hire and fire workers. No word on whether he'll force them to be less stinky.
  
• Gabe Reudiger couldn't make his 155 lb weight on The Ultimate Fighter, in part because the damn chump was eating fucking Ice Cream Cake the day before weigh in. His solution? Multiple colonics, obviously. Not only are you half a fag for getting multiple colonics, you were the weakest link. Goodbye!
• And finally, lots of people all over the country used the day as an excuse to drink, despite not knowing anything about Cinco de Mayo and it's significance, other than the fact that they can get a nickel off of a Corona at the local pub. Really, you should have imbibed doubly, as it fell on a Saturday this year and you know you use any weekend day as an excuse to get bombed anyway.
  

The Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports

For two minutes today millions of people who otherwise think horses only belong in John Wayne movies, 1837 and parades will pretend to care about them. After those 120 seconds of madness, otherwise known as the Kentucky Derby, pass the masses will forget about horseys for another year and go back to their daily routine of napping, masturbating and eating. Well, at least that's my idea of a good day. What won't these masses forget about? The real reason anyone ever watches horse racing, poker on TV, NFL games not involving their home team, dog racing, fantasy updates on television and cockfighting. Gambling, obviously.

I bet you five bucks you saw that one coming.

Tonight's Fight!

I hope everyone is excited for the fight to end all fights. The fight to single handedly bring an apathetic audience to it's feet cheering for more. A fight so intense that the men in attendance will have to remain in their seats after the fight is over as the massive erections they're sporting would make it difficult to walk out of the arena (and make their pants quite unflattering.) A fight so masculine that the women in attendance will need to change their panties afterward and the dirty girls in attendance will have to pay to have the seats reupholstered. Who are these heros of machismo? Mayweather and De La Hoya?

Of course not, everyone knows boxing is corrupt, has priced itself out of the demographic that was once their biggest fan base, and generally has a poor product to offer.

Obviously the fight I'm referring to is the manliness fight between these two:

Peter "The Pillow" Pussysack



versus

Wally "Soprano" Weatherman

Vegas is laying 17/1 odds that the cockroach defeats the pillow in two rounds while Pete and Wally deficate themselves in their respective corners. I've got some of that action.