Oh No!

And by "Oh No!" I'm referring to this article regarding Maria Sharapova sucking in bed. And not literally, which would be more "Oh Yes!" than "Oh no!"

It comes as no particular surprise that a very attractive girl sucks in bed. That happens quite frequently. Trust me, I know. My numerous sexual trysts with supermodels have taught me nothing, if not that. The disappointing, and quite frankly disgusting, part of the story is the revelation that the massive douchebag Adam Levine fornicated with the fine piece of woman that is Sharapova. When I remember that he also hooked up with Jessica Simpson my head asplodes.

Lindsay Blohan

See what I did there? It's really Lindsay Lohan, but I replaced Lohan with Blowhan, you know, because she does a lot of cocaine and "blow" is slang for cocaine. Clever, eh?

Lindsay was apparently filmed by a "friend" of hers doing Tony Montana style bumps in a toilet somewhere. I say apparently as, judging by the pictures, it very well could be Lindsay Lohan. It could also very well be Sasquatch. Or the ghost of Molly Hatchet. I really can't see shit on these pictures. However, I comes as no surprise to me that a young moronic Hollywood actress might actually do drugs.

Oh, yeah, her "friend" also says that Lindsay is a whore bedding James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Jared Leto, Benecio Del Torro, Joaquin Phoenix and James Franco, just to name a few. I don't know who all of those guys are, but I'm just going to assume they're dirty man whores.

I'd be willing to bet that the "friend" releasing all these details is really just an ugly, possibly obese, acquaintance who is unable to get any tail other than Lindsay's sloppy leftovers.

Anyway, the pictures of Ms. Lohan, or Sasquatch, you decide, are here for your enjoyment.