The Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports

For two minutes today millions of people who otherwise think horses only belong in John Wayne movies, 1837 and parades will pretend to care about them. After those 120 seconds of madness, otherwise known as the Kentucky Derby, pass the masses will forget about horseys for another year and go back to their daily routine of napping, masturbating and eating. Well, at least that's my idea of a good day. What won't these masses forget about? The real reason anyone ever watches horse racing, poker on TV, NFL games not involving their home team, dog racing, fantasy updates on television and cockfighting. Gambling, obviously.

I bet you five bucks you saw that one coming.

Tonight's Fight!

I hope everyone is excited for the fight to end all fights. The fight to single handedly bring an apathetic audience to it's feet cheering for more. A fight so intense that the men in attendance will have to remain in their seats after the fight is over as the massive erections they're sporting would make it difficult to walk out of the arena (and make their pants quite unflattering.) A fight so masculine that the women in attendance will need to change their panties afterward and the dirty girls in attendance will have to pay to have the seats reupholstered. Who are these heros of machismo? Mayweather and De La Hoya?

Of course not, everyone knows boxing is corrupt, has priced itself out of the demographic that was once their biggest fan base, and generally has a poor product to offer.

Obviously the fight I'm referring to is the manliness fight between these two:

Peter "The Pillow" Pussysack



versus

Wally "Soprano" Weatherman

Vegas is laying 17/1 odds that the cockroach defeats the pillow in two rounds while Pete and Wally deficate themselves in their respective corners. I've got some of that action.

8,428,571* and Counting

That's the number of people who bought tickets to watch Tubby McGuire somehow try to convince them he's an action hero and that snotty snaggletoothed trollop from Interview with A Vampire pretend to be an attractive female. I don't care how much ice she rubs on her nipples before their next make-out scene, I'm still not buying them or a ticket. Best I can do is maybe add them to my Netflix list. At the bottom. Right behind Faces of Death 82 and Fried Green Tomatoes.

Put your mask back on before you entice more people to take up villainry as a career. McGuire as a Superhero is to thwarting crime as a Twinkie deep fried and drizzled with chocolate is to thwarting obesity.

*Number based upon an average ticket price of $7.00 and taking into account all you ninnies who went to the matinée alone to save face and a buck and a half off your entry fee.

It's a start

Paris Hilton has been sentenced to forty-five days in jail for violating the terms of her probation. While I would have guessed that the item she violated was stealing air from the rest of productive society, turns out it was for something else. Namely, driving her socialitemobile around L.A. on a suspended license. Twice. You'd think she could afford a fucking cab.

Upon appearing in court Paris and her legal team had constructed a foolproof legal defense. What was this awesome legal action sure to free Paris from the injustice of having to follow laws like the rest of the world, you ask? Pleading pure unadulterated ignorance, of course.

She said that when an officer who stopped her in January made her sign a document stating her license was suspended, she thought he was mistaken and did not actually look at the document.

"I'm very sorry and from now on I'm going to pay complete attention to everything. I'm sorry and I did not do it on purpose at all," she told the judge before he announced the sentence.

Hrm. Really? You will? While ignoring the obvious physical and theoretical impossibilities involved with paying "complete attention to everything" I find her credibility a bit suspect. Only substitute "credibility a bit suspect" with "a vapid lying whore." But, I can't be too upset, because she is going to jail and any time a rich waste of flesh goes to jail a little piece of my soul throws a party. Unfortunately for the world her jail stay is approximately eighty-three-trillion two-hundred and six days too short.

Lady, will you shut the hell up!

I'm greatful that i've been so lucky as to have been chosen to receive two free iPod nanos. I really am. Against all odds, I've been chosen to receive them hundreds of times over the last few weeks. As lucky as I'm running, I should play the lotto, or do a stripper without a jimmy cap.

But does that annoying broad have to keep yelling out of my speakers about it? I didn't want your damn iPods then, I sure as hell don't want them now, and I won't in the future, because you're a lying pile of refuse with no intentions of following through on your clever advertising ruse. Asses.

You win the assbag prize as the most annoying advertisement ever.

Congrats.

You are very ugly...

Typical

It's late, I'm tired, and I need to sleep. Before I can rest peacefully I've got to vent. This rant goes out to all the fucktards who say, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got 'em" and then end their statement there, as if that's the complete saying. It should be continued to its proper ending, "...and nobody wants to hear yours!" By stopping short with the ending you classify yourself as a dolt to anyone with more than sixty-two functioning neurons. You sound like Biff Tannen, only dumber because you aren't scripted. Idiot. That being said, I'm going to make like a tree and get out of here.