Hi, I'm Wes Helms

You may or may not recognize me from your local Phillies team. If you don't recognize me, it's probably because you only read offensive box scores, where I do not appear. My nine RBI's batting after Utley, Howard and Burrell, who all get on base with regularity is testament to how deftly I'm able to sneak my hits in non-important situations. Pat Burrell, Donovan McNabb and Bobby Abreu are my Philadelphia idols. My hobbies include swinging at the first pitch, and quite often lofting a lazy fly to the center fielder, in as many situations as I can, the situation of the game be damned.

Those who do recognize me are most likely watching the games where I manage to make you actually wish Abraham Nunez were playing. I know you're thinking, 'Wes, how is it possible that you make me long for a guy who hits like a gnat and had an average under .200 for a good portion of the year?' Well, I'll tell you. It's that, unlike Abraham, I have a club for a left hand and a salmon flipper for my right. I use these appendages to butcher approximately half the balls that are hit to me. On a club with defensive sieves Pat Burrell and Ryan Howard, both of whom play more than I, I still manage to lead the team in errors and have the worst fielding percentage on the team.

So, while my buddy Nunez doesn't hit a lick but plays some pretty good third base, I offer you my stone hands and the ability to barely hit. Thanks for welcoming me to town, Philly. Thanks for the $5,500,000.00. By the way, our bullpen still needs some solidifying, I hope Gillick has money left to pick up relief help before the deadline.

If you see me around the ballpark, or on the way to cash my check, say hi. I might be wearing something similar to this...