Can I Scratch My Nuts?

"Damn. They Itch."

So, here's the deal

As it turns out, it's probably best to focus one's blog energies on one specific area of interest and refine your content for some semblance of cohesion to a reader. Not to my surprise, I've run into some troubles focusing on any specific area. I find my mind wandering from sports, to politics, to wasteful celebritard gossip, and as per my original intention spew it all out here basically as unfiltered as it comes into my head. One of the downsides to this, of course, is inevtiably that there is almost no direction to this written junkyard of the internet, and as such, will be almost impossible for anyone to follow, unless you're me.

But you're not. And that's probably for the best.

Perhaps, at some point in time, I'll find the desire and stamina to write to a specific end, but until that time comes, this is as good as it's going to get. Current events, news, sports, sex, celebrity, gossip, and general nonsense that fills my days will fill this screen.

I'm fully aware that a person of any intellect whatsoever will have, as they should, absolutely no desire or reason to read anything as wasteful and inept as this. As such, I do not expect anyone to read it. These words are nothing more than a half-hearted, random, incomplete online journal of my meandering existence. My head is not somewhere the weak minded should attempt to trudge through, as there are times I cannot even escape the banal mainstream desires that bounce through my gord.

Maybe I'll write or link something funny tomorrow. Today seems entriely non-productive.

Dude, you're doing it wrong...

Seriously, stop it dude, you're disturbing the shit out of me.

Lindsay Blohan

See what I did there? It's really Lindsay Lohan, but I replaced Lohan with Blowhan, you know, because she does a lot of cocaine and "blow" is slang for cocaine. Clever, eh?

Lindsay was apparently filmed by a "friend" of hers doing Tony Montana style bumps in a toilet somewhere. I say apparently as, judging by the pictures, it very well could be Lindsay Lohan. It could also very well be Sasquatch. Or the ghost of Molly Hatchet. I really can't see shit on these pictures. However, I comes as no surprise to me that a young moronic Hollywood actress might actually do drugs.

Oh, yeah, her "friend" also says that Lindsay is a whore bedding James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Jared Leto, Benecio Del Torro, Joaquin Phoenix and James Franco, just to name a few. I don't know who all of those guys are, but I'm just going to assume they're dirty man whores.

I'd be willing to bet that the "friend" releasing all these details is really just an ugly, possibly obese, acquaintance who is unable to get any tail other than Lindsay's sloppy leftovers.

Anyway, the pictures of Ms. Lohan, or Sasquatch, you decide, are here for your enjoyment.

Hi, I'm Wes Helms

You may or may not recognize me from your local Phillies team. If you don't recognize me, it's probably because you only read offensive box scores, where I do not appear. My nine RBI's batting after Utley, Howard and Burrell, who all get on base with regularity is testament to how deftly I'm able to sneak my hits in non-important situations. Pat Burrell, Donovan McNabb and Bobby Abreu are my Philadelphia idols. My hobbies include swinging at the first pitch, and quite often lofting a lazy fly to the center fielder, in as many situations as I can, the situation of the game be damned.

Those who do recognize me are most likely watching the games where I manage to make you actually wish Abraham Nunez were playing. I know you're thinking, 'Wes, how is it possible that you make me long for a guy who hits like a gnat and had an average under .200 for a good portion of the year?' Well, I'll tell you. It's that, unlike Abraham, I have a club for a left hand and a salmon flipper for my right. I use these appendages to butcher approximately half the balls that are hit to me. On a club with defensive sieves Pat Burrell and Ryan Howard, both of whom play more than I, I still manage to lead the team in errors and have the worst fielding percentage on the team.

So, while my buddy Nunez doesn't hit a lick but plays some pretty good third base, I offer you my stone hands and the ability to barely hit. Thanks for welcoming me to town, Philly. Thanks for the $5,500,000.00. By the way, our bullpen still needs some solidifying, I hope Gillick has money left to pick up relief help before the deadline.

If you see me around the ballpark, or on the way to cash my check, say hi. I might be wearing something similar to this...