Random Link Stuff

• How about that Alicia Keys. Usually the only celebrity types I pay attention to are really attractive and generally delightfully wang hardening, and she's really not in that category, but she really can sing her some songs. She reminds me of Whitney from about 10 years ago, but without the crack and husband with the IQ of a Firestone tire. What brings this random thought? Just listening to this: No One

• Whoever had the under on the over/under on whether or not Britney Spears little sister made it to the age of consent before turning into a dirty trailer-trash whore is out buying shots for all his friends right now. Personally, I would have teased that down to the pre-embryonic stages, but for some reason Vegas doesn't carry odds on dudes sperm. Which is probably a good thing. Proof.

• Picture of hot chicks because word-only posts don't belong on the internets.

• In a totally unrelated note, for some reason the parenting book the Spears family matriarch was writing has been put on indefinite hold. I can't understand why. It would be a runaway hit, I'm sure, besting the stunningly awesome numbers put up by the Bill O'Reilly book on Humility, the Carrot Top joke book and Stalin's anthology on Human Rights.

• Finally, while I normally abhor everything that is the Dallas Cowboys and their troglodyte fans (although troglodyte fans aren't limited to just Dallas, obviously), I must say I'm enjoying Tony Romo and his penis derailing his team. Every time he brings a ridiculously hot chick to his games he seems to suck up and down the field. Which is manly. Because, were I a professional football player dating a gorgeous chick in the stands, my mind would certainly be up there with her instead of down on the turf, with my hands between some dude's legs looking at a line of five 300+ lb. linemen in spandex. Super special two picture post, since this post is related to Jessica.

I own you bitches

I'll pick you up and twirl you around like Agent Smith in the Matrix you little turds. With all that "waaaaah, I want my mommy" crap. So yeah, I'll take you on and the rest of your kindergarden class and come out on top. How do you like them apples, you five year old bastards.

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Curious to see how many 5 year olds you can take out? Just go to www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com . They'll tell you. It's science, so you know it's accurate.

Forecast: All Wet

Looks like there's going to be some fury as this storm blows through Ohio, enters eastern Pennsylvania and dumps all over both states. The people in the path will be left all wet. I bet they wish they had taken proper precautions before running into this thunderous big blow. It's certainly more than your average heavy dew. Ok, I've run out of stupid puns. In case you missed it, this weatherman has a huge Doppler cock.

Adult Swim BCS

Hey, ESPN, pay attention here. A hairy chested, wife-beater wearing, balding, cartoon character wearing zubas that is aired on the Cartoon Channel is more knowledgeable with regard to College football than are most of your "commentators." Someone please tell Beano Cook that the role of Jabba the Hut has been filled, and it's time to retire.

There is no Santa Claus

It's the end of an era. I feel like Mike McDee when Teddy KGB shows his aces-full. I feel like Stephen Rea in the Crying Game. I feel like Ray Finkle after Superbowl XVII. It's the gut punch of all gut punches. Or ball punch, more accurately.

So today, I'm doing my typical thing, you know, killing some time by checking out some celebrity gossip sites in the hopes that some lovely celebrity has once again loosed her naughty bits in front of the paparazzi, allowing me a glimpse as what she knows she wants to offer me anyway. Unfortunately, the only celeb news I found today was some blather about the human wasteland that was formerly known as Britney, an update on Herpes Valley, or as some refer to, Paris Hilton. And this:

What is that you ask? The rear of a pear? Centerfold of Cellulite Weekly? The Ghost of Erections Past? No, friends, unfortunately, the correct answer is Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yes, that's right, the woman who was able to single-handedly support not only the horrible "I Know What You Did Last Summer" franchise, but also made normal, heterosexual guys actually watch that estrogen filled cesspool that was Party of Five. Really, that's some feat. Normally, one would think a person capable of performing such magical acts would use some of that juju to keep her body in shape at least through her mid 30s. But no, she's 28. Diane Lane is gorgeous and she's 108, but JLH couldn't keep it together for even 10 years. I'm filled with sadness, disappointment, shock and limpety. Just a damn shame, is what it is.

First Neve Campbell gets all old and hippy-like, despite her flash in the pan moment in Wild Things. Now "Love" has gone the way of the hippopotamus. The bearded guy never dated anyone really hot, so we won't even bother to worry about them. Our only hope remains Lacey Chabert. She must now carry the Party of Five hotness torch.

At least I can enjoy the knowledge that gaywad dimpledouche Bailey never had any kind of career. But that's just a weak victory, much like a celebratory touchdown dance when your team is down by 40. Today my penis has shed a tear.